Two Large

As is well-known – which, of course, is code for “and now I’m going to tell you” – all homeowners are required to spend $2,000 a year on home maintenance.

Whether the house needs it or not.

It’s a law. That’s just the way it is.

Most years, we landsmen are pretty good about meeting the requirement. Some, especially enthusiastic types, go way, way overboard. Especially on such stuff as things that die and never return.

Going overboard benefits those with lesser ambition and thinner wallets. The two are not mutually exclusive. And the benefit comes from averaging. Which results in heightened self-esteem.

This year, for instance, I managed to squeeze out only $1,100, maybe twelve, in home repairs and updates. Despite my attempts at racking-up additional costs, the attempts were thwarted by handyindividuals, including tree-cutters, who refused to return phone calls promising to throw money their way.

Solace is achieved by averaging my $1,200 (we like using higher numbers, in this example) with the $4,000 spent by a colleague. “Colleagues” are more than friends or acquaintances. They’re people who can’t spend it fast enough.

The sum of the two expenses – and this is accomplished without even taking off socks – divided by two, yields a figure well in excess of what the law requires.

So, what did I get for my $2,600 on which I had to part only with $1,200?

One item was a new toilet for the master bath. This thing is so powerful and so comfortable that it confirms one comedienne’s quip: “If men could get pizza delivered to the bathroom, they’d never leave.”

True.

Being honest, in order to make up for my $800 deficit this year, I’m considering having a giant TV installed in the master bath.

Does television count toward home maintenance?

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