Relationships, Sexuality, and Sexual Activity

Intimate relationships are an essential part of life. At college, students are meeting new friends, surrounded by peers who do not know one another's personal history, but who are all in a common environment and seeking a common goal—preparing for the future. Friendships begin quickly, and are often based on the shared experience of similar schedules, close living quarters, and comparable challenges and accomplishments. 

The individuals they are attracted to and the relationships they have with these new friends are part of their physical, mental, and social development. Whether relationships are romantic or not, the ways they relate to others are how they learn about life and how to work with others.

Every parent wants the best for their child and hopes that their student develops caring, safe relationships. At this stage of your student's life, he or she is learning that all close friendships are different and that it is important to create and maintain healthy relationships and boundaries. Signs of a healthy relationship include a mutual respect for one another, support of opinions and decisions, equality, trust, and honesty.

Sexuality is a natural part of development that continues throughout one's life. It extends beyond physical desires, and it is much more than simply avoiding negative outcomes. Healthy sexuality includes who we are as well as our physical, emotional, and social traits. It is also who we are attracted to and how we feel about our bodies, ourselves, sexual behaviors, and choices.

Students come to campus at different stages of sexual self-knowledge and experience. It's normal and healthy at this stage of life for students to consider their own sexuality in different terms than they ever did before. Students might consider the values or messages they've heard all their lives, but they will also be thinking of how sex and those values fit into their own lives. Your student will be meeting people with very different sexual experiences than they have had, they will meet people with different sexual orientations, and they will discover that, despite the differences, they also have much in common with these new friends.

Students choose to be intimate in a variety of different ways, ranging from holding hands to engaging in sexual intercourse; not all students choose to have sexual intercourse. Being sexually active or remaining abstinent is a choice that your student will need to make and one that will be made more than once. The choice they make this weekend may not be the same as the choice last weekend or next month.

Students base their decisions about sexual activity on different reasons. Some students choose not to have sex because they are worried about pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, or what their parents will think. Others make a conscious decision to wait because they have not met the right person, or they feel they are too young. Still others choose to focus on school and feel a serious relationship—and sex—will come after college. Some make the decision based on religious beliefs.

Most people choose to remain abstinent at some time in their lives. Being abstinent is not the same as being sexless. Abstinence can be a choice about one's body, mind, spirit, and sexual health, as well as a positive way of dealing with sexuality. While abstinent, men and women continue to have sexual thoughts and feelings.

Parents are a vital part of a student's life. Students' relationships with their parents help contribute to their mental wellbeing and adjustment to college. Meaningful discussions with your student about relationships, sexual information, facts, and the potential joys and risks of sexual activity are valuable and important.

Communicating with your student about your own beliefs and values is part of the relationship. As you express your attitude and explain your reasoning, you give your student the knowledge and confidence to make his or her own decisions and the skills to be able to find answers to questions he or she may have.

Communication with college students is most effective in an open, nonjudgmental climate where there is mutual dialogue between parent and student. Research has shown that parents often feel uncomfortable discussing sexual topics with their student for a number of different reasons—they don't want to embarrass their student, they don't want to embarrass themselves, they think their student does not want to discuss sex, or they simply don't know how to talk about it. Therefore, many parents focus on physical development and sexual safety—or ignore the topic altogether—rather than discuss sex as a personal or relationship-based topic. As a parent, you can speak with your student about the powerful emotions of attachment in relationships, responsibility for actions, sexual decision-making, respect for individual rights, and the impact that alcohol has on sexual behavior.

Communication Tips:

• Keep the lines of communication open, your child is now an adult
• When initiating a conversation about sex and sexuality, it can be easier to begin by talking about relationships
• Discuss qualities that you both feel are important to a healthy relationship, such as communication, trust, mutual respect, and safety; share why you feel these qualities are important and what qualities in a relationship or partner are harmful or destructive
• You can use news stories and current events to introduce the topic, as well as indirect questions about sexual activity on campus ("I've been seeing a lot on TV about sex and college students during spring break. Do you think students at your school consider casual sex the norm?")
• Acknowledge choices and personal responsibility, and avoid demands
• Offer physical and emotional closeness, but respect your student's need for privacy and independence
• Appreciate your student for his/her unique strengths
• Facilitate access to sexual and reproductive health care on campus (Student Health Center) or at a clinic near home
• Offer guidance and share your values
• When your student asks a question, answer it directly and honestly, without judgment; if you don't know the answer, admit that you don't know and find the answer (the list of additional resources provided below is a good starting point)
• Share the normalcy and joys of sexuality; loving relationships are wonderful, and sexuality means more than just sex.
• When responding to your student's questions, use phrases like the following:
  • What do you think?
  • That's a good question.
  • I don't know, but I'll find out.
  • I don't know. How would you find the answer to that?
  • I'm glad you told me about that.
• Avoid:
  • That's none of your business.
  • You're too young.
  • We'll talk about that when you need to know.